By MAX R. ASHBURN
Observer Staff

We’re now less than one year away from the 2008 presidential election and already I’m bored sick of it. Talk of potential candidates began the moment George W. Bush was re-elected in 2004. When most of the candidates declared their intentions to run earlier this year, there were no real surprises.

The names were familiar and expected: Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, Rudy Giuliani, Mitt Romney. Long shots like Bill Richardson and no-shots like Dennis Kucinich all declared. Unless you’re one of the few dreamers still out there who believe Al Gore is just waiting for the right moment to throw his hat back in the ring, this completes the miniscule pool of candidates from which Americans will choose their next leader.

And so the charades are well under way. Between now and the election, immense amounts of money will be raised and spent, countless rallies will be held and signs as far as the eye can see will litter roadsides urging you to “Vote for (last name here).” Really, has even one person ever arrived at a polling place intending to vote for Candidate A, but, having seen 300 lawn signs bearing Candidate B’s name on the drive over thought to him or herself, “You know, I was dead set on A but there were just so many more signs for B that I must be missing something,” and checks the box next to B? Sadly, I’m sure that scenario, or something similar, has played itself out many times before.

In fact, the archetypal campaign cycle is, in many ways, a large-scale game of which candidate can get the most signs up and make the most noise. For nine months the American public will be subjected to the cacophony of the modern political machine while it tries to get us to decide between two candidates who will no doubt be far more similar than dissimilar. In the end, our senses will be numbed for the privilege of choosing between Equal and Sweet ‘N Low.

‘Super Duper Tuesday’

The way the primaries are scheduled this year, with states moving their elections up so that they don’t get lost in the shuffle, the two main party candidates will likely be decided by Feb. 5, what’s becoming known as “Super Duper Tuesday.” That leaves an entire human gestation period for the political machine to convince us to check Box A or Box B.

I, for one, don’t need the nine months. In 2004, for instance, I was an early Howard Dean enthusiast. But once it became clear John Kerry was going to be the Democratic nominee, I didn’t need another minute to think it over. I can imagine no scenario taking place during the time between the primary and the election whereby I would have changed my vote. It could have been revealed that Kerry sported a Hitler moustache during college, I still would have voted for him. Bush could have been exposed as an idiot savant who discovered a cure for diabetes in the random patterns of a box of animal crackers, and I still would have voted against him.

Alas, these campaigns are not staged for my benefit, nor for the millions like me who know from Day One who they’re going to vote for; they’re staged for the benefit of the all-mighty undecided voter. The voter who, for whatever reason, just cannot make up his or her mind and who could very well be persuaded to vote one way or the other by an emotional television ad, a scandalous YouTube clip, or yes, even a colorful yard sign.

I’m not sure I’ve ever met an undecided voter, and I’m not sure I’d ever want to. They sound like a downright miserable sort. I wonder how they get through life, what with all the decisions to be made every day. Baked potato or side salad? Paper or plastic? Letterman or Leno?

For all the undecided voters out there, let me break down what will likely be your big decision during the upcoming election cycle. Let’s assume that the current frontrunners get their respective party nominations. That means Hillary Clinton is the Democratic nominee and Rudy Giuliani is the GOP nominee.

More similar than different

On paper, it’s hard to differentiate between these two. They’re both pro-choice and pro-gun control; on gay rights, Rudy may even be more liberal than Hillary. Their main differences are in their drawbacks: Giuliani is a megalomanical thug who values the concept of public safety (or at least the appearance thereof) above the concepts of civil liberties and personal privacy. Hillary’s decades of immersion in the American political system have turned her into a stodgy, middle-of-the-road waffler who refuses to take a definitive position on any subject. Yeah, she’s got a chip on her shoulder, but she lacks the requisite spine necessary to do anything about it.

So there you have it, undecided voters. Swish that around in your mouth for five minutes and spit out your answer, because really, the person sworn into the office of president in January 2009 will have only minimal direct impact on the direction of this country. Most of the major decisions are made by the cadre of shadowy figures roaming K Street and the tunnels below the Pentagon, and they get most of their directives from the shadowy figures roaming the halls at Halliburton and CitiBank.

On the evening news there was a story about Hillary Clinton breaking into a coughing fit during a campaign speech. She was speaking, started coughing, drank some water and continued with her speech. That was the story.

So please, undecided voters, let’s make up our minds pronto and avoid all this unnecessary unpleasantness. Unless, of course, you’d enjoy nine months of Drudge headlines like “Giuliani Fires Campaign Aide Over Stale Cannoli!” Or on CNN: “Breaking News: YouTube Video Purports to Show Hillary Giving Campaign Speech – Without a Bra!”

On second thought, go ahead and mull it over for awhile.