Reuters photo

By MARK MAATHIUS

Love seemed to be easy when you sent your first Valentine cards in the first grade. Understanding how Santa delivered millions of presents in one night, that was the hard part of childhood. But where the Santa myth, once exposed, made Christmas simple, love became more complicated when you grew older. Simply scribbling “I love you” on a note and sitting back and relaxing is no longer an option for starting a long-term romance.

At least, for the majority. Some people seem to have missed this boat and still believe that writing an anonymous letter on a designated day will lead to a relationship based on mutual trust. While normal people step up to someone they fancy, start a conversation, ask them to dance or buy them a beer, Valentine card senders remain silent and immobile. But don’t let their poker faces fool you. They observe every move you make, like mad scientists scrutinizing little creatures with a microscope.

They gather information about you, your favorite color, your taste in chocolate. The more they know, the better they can choose their card, select a perfume and write their poetry. Like undercover cops, they collect their data. Where do you live? What does your mailbox look like? Who is your mailman? Like hungry wolves, they linger around you, waiting until it is time for the kill.

This can last weeks or even months, depending on the time of year they choose you as their prey. They know Saint Valentine may only be praised once a year, and these people are not known for their courage to do something out of the ordinary. Their glorification ritual is simple: a quasi-innocent walk to the mailbox on February 13, a casual gesture and the postal evil is done.

There is not much to do about these habits. Valentinists are hard to expose because they are masters of disguise. They camouflage themselves and blend in with any background. They do not stand out, never draw attention and speak only when spoken to. That is why they put their faith in Saint Valentine. Or do you think your anonymous worshiper is the Swedish top model who just moved into your building; or your charismatic, single, George Clooney look-a-like professor?

Valentine card senders are gray mice. They are as assertive as bricks and have the sex appeal of female wrestlers. No wonder they prefer to remain anonymous.